Relying on resilience in challenging times

Social distancing doesn’t mean we have to become socially isolated. Jana Firestone explains how staying connected with others and relying on our reserves of resilience can help minimise the impact of this challenging time.

A threatening pandemic and incredible efforts to contain it: many have reflected that this sounds like a movie script, not the empty-streets reality we see in news reports from Flinders Street Station in Melbourne to Times Square in New York – or even from our own front window at home. This is a challenging time for our community, from both a local and global perspective, and one of the biggest challenges has been how best to talk with children about these events, and indeed, how to minimise the impact on them.

One of the questions that has been raised most frequently is, ‘How can I help my child to be resilient through these events?’

How can I help my child be resilient throughout community challenges?

Building resilience is something that happens over time, through the everyday ups and downs that we and our children may face. That doesn’t mean we avoid the tough moments or scoop up our kids and protect them from the world – much as we may want to! It means giving children the skills and the tools to adapt to change, manage disappointments and losses, and come out the other side thriving.

Dr Justin Coulson is a parenting expert, who has written extensively on resilience, including in his book 9 Ways to a Resilient Child. He emphasises that resilience is not about never struggling. In fact, it’s about working through the inevitable challenges in a positive way.

Four strategies for building resilience

Dr Coulson suggests several strategies help our children build resilience, even when times might be tough.

Build a strong parent-child relationship

The single most important factor contributing to children being resilient is a stable, committed relationship with a supportive parent or caregiver.

We can build strong connections with our children in many ways – having a regular family dinner time, spending time talking with children and showing love and support is a great place to start. The more time you spend with your children, the more loved and supported they will feel, and the more resilience they will build.

Develop their strengths

As parents we can help our children identify the interests and strengths that energise them. By developing these interests and strengths, we in turn are developing their confidence and wellbeing and this also helps make them more resilient.

Develop autonomy

Controlling our children makes them anxious. Constantly making decisions for them or ‘fixing’ things undermines their decision-making skills, confidence and resilience. Instead of trying to do it all for them, we should encourage our children to make decisions and act for themselves in line with their own values. When they feel safe and supported and are given choice and responsibility, they build resilience.

Teach hope

‘Hope’ is having a goal, the belief that you can create a pathway to that goal and the belief that you can navigate that pathway to reach the goal. Teaching our children to be hope-ful gives them resilience. When hopeful children experience failure, they develop new pathways to pursue alternative routes to their goals. Hope-less children are more likely to give up.

By helping our children find a goal and develop the plans and routes to achieve that goal, we are setting them up for success and helping them to bounce back from failures. And when they get stuck, we can still show them how to tap into their resourcefulness and initiative by brainstorming new ideas and ways to solve the problem.

As counterintuitive as it may feel to allow our children to struggle, experiencing challenges and overcoming them with our love and support gives them a chance to develop resilience. And as Dr Coulson writes, resilience will take them a lot further than a life clear of obstacles.

What else can students do now?

Keep moving

We’re all going to be doing a lot more sitting than we’re used to, with classes and work taking place from home, so it’s important to build in some activity each day. This is important not only from a physical perspective, but also for our mental health.

Go for a walk, run up and down the stairs, dance to your favourite songs or complete a free yoga or exercise class on YouTube.

Find what works for you and schedule it in, so that each day you’re moving your body and shaking off the computer blues.

Stay connected

As we settle in for another long period of online learning from home, it’s imperative that students stay connected with their friends.

It might be helpful to think of this time at home as physical distancing, instead of social distancing. In fact, social contact could not be more important at this time. Use this time to explore ways of connecting with others that works for you. Use social media, emails and phone calls or text messages, have lunch together or a games night via video chat. How about even writing a good old-fashioned letter to someone you might be thinking about?

Whatever channel works best, it’s important to keep in touch with your support network – including friends, family and your pastoral support network at the College – and stay connected.

Jana Firestone is a Student Counsellor at the Wesley Elsternwick Campus